*CW: suicide/self harm

spoiler

I’m not doing super great right now. Been fighting alot with partner, this summer has been the worst of my life. Missing milestones with my youngest kid, missing even more with my oldest kid. I have court paperwork saying i should see her every other week, i don’t. I havent seen her in 4 years. My ex doesn’t even know about my transition. I’m so scared of whatll happen when she find out.

The other week, my old best friend killed himself, atleast according to police. We had a falling out, so didnt affect me really in terms of his passing. I was more upset he was the second person to die this summer, people my age are dropping like flies. Makes mortality hit harder ig. Anyway, my ex after 4 yrs of no contact, decided shed text me that he killed himself and his viewing is the next day at noon. No address tho, couldn’t have gone if i wanted.

Part of me working to better myself is standing up for myself more and not being passive. So i eventually sent her a text saying that i don’t appreciate her reaching out for that reason, that the only reason i want to hear from her is about my daughter, and that she clearly sent that to hurt me because she didn’t send an address.

Well, she texted back. I wont say exactly what she said to me but basically said it should’ve been me instead of my friend (they dated after me), string of abusive name-calling, ending with telling me to “pull the trigger pussy”

And honestly, ive already been in a pretty dark mindstate recently. Im not posting as much, im not keeping up with people. Im crawling back into a hole and i know it, im desperately trying to claw my way back out and i get closer and closer but stuff like this just drops me further into it. Transition did make me happy, at one point. So much shit has been going wrong in my life that i no longer feel that happiness and joy everytime i inject. I cried all the way through my last inject, because i want it more than anything but it also feels like its destroying my life.

Idk how to handle all this, im not equipped to even just be a normal adult. Im just laying in bed, alone, trying to hold back tears. Just normal sadgirl things ig. I wish i felt like there is an answer for all this, but there isnt really. Aside from saving her message telling me to kys to show in court. I just wish i had someone here with me to hold me and tell me its going to be ok, just comfort me instead of me trying to comfort everyone else for once. Idk, just another rant into the void i guess 🤷‍♀️😭😭

I am not currently planning suicide, im not trying to find means to hurt myself. Dont worry.

If you are currently contemplating suicide please reach out for help, 988 if your in USA, or my inbox if youd prefer. You are not alone, you are loved, and you are worth having around.

  • Miisha ♀️@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
    16·
    4 days ago

    Girl, what you’re going through right now is complete and utter hell. But, to keep going despite all that’s happening…you’re so, extremely strong. What your ex said (and did) is messed up, crazy and just flat out wrong…
    To all of us here, you matter a lot and we love you Brooke! This is cliché, but…things will get better soon. Please don’t give up Brooke. We love you and need you ❤️
    If you’d like to talk, I’m here or on Matrix. Anytime. Stay strong girlie 💜

  • nikki@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
    11·
    4 days ago

    something to remember is that if your sadness doesn’t just come from dysphoria, itll prevail through transition. girls have troubles too, its okay, it happens to all of us.

    keep your chin up brooke, itll all work out in the end :)

  • IntroSkeptic@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
    14·
    5 days ago

    Hey Brooke,

    I tend to lurk, and not post much… And I definitely haven’t been through nearly as much as you have, but that sounds like absolute hell. You’re really strong for sticking through all you’re going through, and I’m happy (proud the right word?) you’re such a wonderful person despite it all - not everyone can stick through and still be around to help others as I regularly see you doing here, and you have inadvertently done for me in doing so. Forgive me, but your ex is a shitbag, and while it sounds like your ex-friend isn’t much better, its clear you do still care… And believe me I get the feeling… Its hard to stop caring for those we love even after things end terribly and become a toxic mess. Sending virtual hugs from California your way!🫂🫂

    If you want to vent or talk, feel free to message me. If you’ve got Matrix that makes it easy (would prefer to give that in a DM tho). I’d really like to help however I can girl…

  • TheFermentalist@reddthat.comEnglish
    12·
    4 days ago

    I have been where you are now, for different reasons but the same place.

    It sounds trite, but it does get better. I pulled the trigger and the gun misfired. I still have the bullet, 26 years later.

    You need to find yourself. I was stupid and did that mostly by myself. Therapy is a better path. When you have found yourself, find your people.

    If you choose suicide, know that she will have won, and that is the only narrative your kids will hear.

    Fight. It’s worth it. And so are you.

  • kivihiili@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
    4·
    4 days ago

    being told those words sounds pretty downing, but you got this. you’re strong and you have the courage to stand up for yourself.

    you’ll be okay, we promise <3

  • mika june [she|her]@piefed.blahaj.zoneEnglish
    9·
    4 days ago

    i may be new to this circle, but it didn’t take long to see how important you are to everyone here. i’m glad you’ve been so strong and also wish you didn’t have to be.

    • brookedSmile@lemmy.blahaj.zoneOPEnglish
      5·
      4 days ago

      Thanks, ill get out of it, it helps i got so many support message notifications, like 20. I didnt really know i was so loved here❤️

        • brookedSmile@lemmy.blahaj.zoneOPEnglish
          3·
          4 days ago

          Aww thats really soo sweet. Honestly when i joined thats all i ever wanted, to be not only part of this community but to be an inspiration and integral to some peoples days. I wanted to be noticed when im not posting or whatever.

          It sounds really selfish, but alot of my life i havent had that kind of love or support. A big part of me posting so much is in the hopes of making an impact on peoples lives.

          I still dont really view myself as that yet tho, but the amount of support i got helps convince me a bit. ❤️❤️

  • Azalea@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
    9·
    4 days ago

    I’m so very sorry, it’s pretty shit that I can’t physically be there for you. If you need to talk you can message me anytime, seriously. Thank you for letting us know <3

  • SuperNovaStar@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
    8·
    4 days ago

    🫂 I promise it gets better

    Building that “chosen family” around yourself is hard, but having that community is what keeps the darkness at bay. Please don’t neglect to reach out to the people in your life who care about you when you’re feeling down. You aren’t a burden, I know if any of my friends were going through this i’d want to be there for them, i’m sure your friends feel the same way.

    And if you don’t feel like you have any friends, just show up to enough queer spaces or to queer-friendly spaces centered around your hobbies and you’ll meet people who get you soon enough. For me this was a queer-friendly board game shop, but it can be whatever you’re into.

    It really does get better, it just takes a little time 🫂

    • brookedSmile@lemmy.blahaj.zoneOPEnglish
      3·
      4 days ago

      Ive started meeting lots of trans people irl and have made a buncha friends. Its just getting over the feeling like a burden part yknow? ❤️

      • SuperNovaStar@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
        3·
        4 days ago

        Yeah that’s hard. But imagine how you’d feel if one of those friends were struggling. You’d want them to reach out, so your friends want you to reach out, too.

        The first time is the hardest, it gets a tiny bit easier each time

        • brookedSmile@lemmy.blahaj.zoneOPEnglish
          2·
          4 days ago

          I know it, i just have to try and im sure it’ll work out. Part of my other issue is trust, ive let loose far too much information about myself in the past and its bitten me several times. So now i have a hard time opening up. But thats kinda what this post is for, online stuff is easier especially here.

          Everyone here knows me, i really dont want to make people sad. I love lifting people up, and giving them the support and things i cant give myself. Talking about my issues or being depressed seems antithetical to that. But im working on it ❤️❤️

  • minty@aussie.zoneEnglish
    9·
    5 days ago

    I wish I could hug you right now. You dont deserve to be treated like that at all. I cant imagine how painful it must be to be missing out on your kids. Thats pretty fucked up.

    I wish I could give advice. I can promise at least I care about you, despite us not knowing each other. Hang in there ❤️

  • maya@mtgzone.comEnglish
    8·
    5 days ago

    Wow what a shitty thing for you ex to say 😵

    I’m so sorry all of this is happening to you, it’s a lot to face, but it’ll be ok. Keep taking care of yourself, as best as you can, one day at a time, and it’ll be ok. You’ll get out of the hole again 🫂

  • Domi@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
    8·
    5 days ago

    We love you Brooke. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Wish I could provide more material support, like an actual fucking hug.

  • DaPorkchop_ [they/she/it]@lemmy.mlEnglish
    6·
    4 days ago

    i’m so sorry Brooke, this sounds like a pretty messed up situation all around. nobody deserves to hear that, least of all you D:

    as much as i’d like to come give you a hug that’d be geographically impossible, but i’m around on Matrix/Discord (see profile) and my DMs are always open if you want to chat (or just vent!) :)

  • Vivian@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
    8·
    5 days ago

    Broooookeeee I just wanna give you a big hug and squeeze you :’(

    If I could teleport there and comfort you I would

    ::: spoiler What your ex told you is absolutely horrifying and I’m so sorry you have to deal with someone telling you that :::

    In case you want to chat about anything would you like me to DM you my matrix or signal? I think I’m going to bed now but I could chat tomorrow

  • TheOtterInside@piefed.blahaj.zoneEnglish
    4·
    4 days ago

    If you ever need some, and are comfy with it ofc, feel free to ask for a hug : tag me or dm, to your convenience.

    Sometimes life’s shit and hits hard… but you’re still here and you deserve to be happy. I sincerely hope things will get better.

      • TheOtterInside@piefed.blahaj.zoneEnglish
        4·
        4 days ago

        alright then I’ll happily wreck trains myself if you can find joy in between those :T

        as long as you’re not actually in any of them, however my train nerd friends will try to kill me. guess that’s part of the game 🤷‍♀️

        feels like no one here is gonna leave you alone, huh ?

        • brookedSmile@lemmy.blahaj.zoneOPEnglish
          4·
          4 days ago

          I quite enjoy it actually. Pretransition i hated being anybodies center of attention. But now, especially being so low, it feels really nice that people do care and want the best for me. Reading all the messages today gives me alot of hope for myself. Thank you, and thanks to everyone else too ❤️❤️