I’m genuinely gonna try to end it if I dont meet anyone to talk to and bond with. I cant with this, I seem to be an exception while everyone else seems to succeed to at least keep a conversation going. also, this conservative family is suffocating me. and environment is I have melatonin, some atarax and maybe some adderall in the house. nothing really lethal per se, but if I combine it with alcohol and something else, it might be deadly. I honestly dont know what to do
I’m usually not that talkative because I can’t keep up with conversations, I’m just naturally awkward lol. and I relate, I have no real friends IRL and when I try to talk about it (online ofc), people usually tell me “why don’t you learn social skills like normal people” I TRIED for years and nothing came out, every single time it ended in a disaster that made me more shut-in. and regarding transidentity, as time passes, I just think that their (my family’s, but also that of most people around me) model is ridiculous and a laughing stock. you’re expected to conform to norms (gender-wise, but not only) that are imposed and feel nothing like you just because some people can’t take identities that are too different or “complicated”. I hope it’ll be better when I move out but I guess it won’t change much, I’ll still have huge problems and no one to rely on or bond with. but for DMs, sure :>
Ugh yeah I can relate when it comes to social skills and I’m pretty quiet myself, though in my case I think I’ll just have to keep looking for opportunities I can get more experience and practice in. I’ve been struggling to put myself out as much as I’d like there, and super unpleasant interactions with strangers who’ve clocked me push me further into staying inside more (and I’m living in one of the most accepting cities out there for trans people). 😔
I’d describe my family as mostly being cruelly indifferent to me, though occasionally they can come across as antagonistic too. I personally haven’t dealt much with them pushing gender expectations on me (a good chunk of why though is because I avoid family gatherings and I have only even come out to a select few of them in the 45 months I’ve been on HRT), but that sounds awfully draining to deal with, as I feel coming out is supposed to help break those constraints and alleviate the pain that comes with them in the first place. I hope you can get to a safer place soon. 🫂