I find it confusing when the compliment seems arbitrary but I just say “thank you” and move on.

it confuses me because I have my own internal model of what i was trying to do. I know what I’m capable of. Executing on my capabilities doesn’t seem praiseworthy.

If I’m capable of 95%, and I only execute at 90%, then I feel like I’ve done poorly. But if everyone else is only executing at 75% then just because my model says “I could have done better” it can still feel weird getting praise, even if it is “justified”

It’s exactly like that. The best thing is to say thank you and continue on.

Complements and praise does nothing for me emotionally, so I just say “thank you”; in the same way you thank a kid that handed you a rock they found on the ground.

That’s exactly how you do it, according to John Cleese, anyway.

I’m always deeply suspicious of compliments because they’re sometimes used to manipulate me, especially if it’s from strangers or people I only know superficially. But a brief “thank you, that means a lot” + an internal recalibration to find out what the fuck this person actually wants from me is what I usually do.

I’m so not used to it that it startles me for a second. I love it, I crave it, but it rarely ever happens.

On the rare occasion it does happen, I get suspicious that it’s a trick and they’re trying to manipulate me. I’ve been taken advantage of a lot in my life. I used to be very gullible.

Not really confused by it, but I find it suspicious by default. Most of the time, I just say thank you to politely accept it.

Half the time, I tend to find that people are trying to just butter me up to get something out of me. Disingenuity is very grating on my sensibilities and it can lower my opinion of people who tend to behave in that way.

I used to take it personally, like that person thinks I’m dumb enough to buy into their petty manipulation. Now I understand that lots of people just carelessly, all-around, do this to score points they can cash in on later. I just pretend I don’t notice and say thank you anyway; I don’t think I could offer anything but a sincere compliment, myself.

I translate it to “I find that valueable somehow” and I usually feel “glad you found that very useful but that’s not really that great” feeling but I realize in that moment sometimes it’s not about me there. It’s the sum total of what the other person experienced with my presence I guess.

I agree with this 100%.

The best compliments I have received, the things I remember and carry with me, are things people have said about me in other contexts.

For example, when I got my diagnosis the psychologist noted that my mood was “euthymic” for my in-person testing. I have always prided myself on my stability and emotional balance, so to see that in a clinical evaluation felt really good.

Another example: my best friend found out, shortly after he broke up with her, that his ex-gf was pregnant. She offered him a choice: stay as a friend and support the child, or leave and never hear from either of them again. I was trying to convince him to stay. That the child would be 50% him, that I would be right there with him to help and support him. He said “I don’t think I can. I’m not strong like you.” He was crying. That was the last time I ever saw him.

That was by far the best compliment I have ever received, because of the context. He wasn’t trying to flatter me or butter me up. He wasn’t trying to cheer me up and finding something to say. It really wasn’t about me at all, and that’s what made it so genuine.

This might be gendered or I just don’t understand men, but I believe that when women are complimented by other women they are expected to say “Thanks!” or downplay the compliment just a little but in either case return the compliment. It can be considered a sign you don’t like someone if you don’t.

I do compliment people but when I notice something specific and I want to compliment them on it, so it was a bit hard to adapt to. Hair, new looking clothes or jewelry are typically safe bets. I avoid complementing someone’s body unless they are speaking about working out and even then I keep it vague, “You look so strong!”.

ETA: I can’t read, apparently. For praise a “thanks” or mentioning people who helped is generally what is expected. If you think people are expecting something else it’s probably that they are waiting to hear who you will give credit to or return the praise to them.

For example, if you do well on a presentation: “Thanks! I wouldn’t have been able to do it without X, they got me all the data and formatted it so nicely.”

Or if you do well at a competitive sport and the person complimenting you was your opponent: "Aw, thanks. You really gave me a run for my money. Where did you learn to [sport skill].

I guess it comes down to knowing if the person is looking for bonding (compliment them back), wanting to praise you but expecting humility (thanking the people who helped you) or feeling insecure (lost at sports or feels inadequate compared to your skills).

It depends on what is being praised/complimented and how its delivered. Part of it depends on how much effort I put into the thing they’re complimenting/praising. Also depends on if the thing they are complimenting/praising is just part of masking.

I do agree, it seems completely meaningless and do nothing. Like why are you doing it? What’s it’s supposed to do? Just whats the point or purpose of it?

So i just say ok(acknowledge that i received the information) or thanks(activate basic social script) and move on, depending how close to the person i am.

At my work I wish everyone would just get a sticker every time they came through on something.

That way I know I did good and can feel good about it on my own.

When someone is like “Hey I just wanted you to know I appreciate what you do around here :)” I have no idea what to do with that.

so I just say “thank you”

Ironically, that is a perfectly appropriate (and sometimes most appropriate) response…

I can relate. I mean, I think it’s supposed to feel good, but it doesn’t seem wo work for us.

Maybe it’s the decoupling from the social groups because of so much negative feedback or maybe it’s because the things I receive a praise for is totally not what I would praise but inherent, logical doings.

But what should I say, were often watching people do stupid antisocial things which would cost no effort to do right and social (eg parking your shit scooter well) yet they don’t.

Maybe it’s that gap/rift why praise also doesn’t hit.

I know ‘the rule’ is to criticize in private and praise in public, but it would be less stressful for me if praise were also kept private.