Context: I am not in danger, I am doing okay for the situation, I will be fine. No worrying needed on that part. I am actively seeking mental health support, I will be okay.
As a general thing, suicide is bad right? I certainly haven’t appreciated it happening around me, and it sucks. In general, I’d like for people to feel like life is worth living.
But there’s a thing here where people want you alive, but they don’t want to help you make a life worth living. You can put tons of effort into everything you do, into the people in your life, but you start thinking maybe life isn’t worth the constant struggle, the endless unrewarding hell, and somehow you’re being selfish for it.
I’ve never had stronger feelings towards ending everything than I had tonight. And still I decided living was the best option. But it still fucking sucks. I still have to keep on with this shitty existence, maintaining my shitty life, in the hopes that people will stop doing things to me that slowly tear me down over and over again. I’d leave if I could, but I financially and socially can’t, and I kind of still don’t want to, because I love my partner even if she left it half a decade too late to sort her stuff out.
The neighbours keep sending construction crews to coincidentally destroy my property, my industry was somehow taken over by garbage fake robots, my martial arts instructor turned into a fascist, and I’m supposed to rebuild my life when the whole world is quicksand. I literally do not have the executive function to keep going under these circumstances.
I still think living is the right call, but fuck me the world could throw us a fucking bone once in a while. This whole thing is bullshit.
/rant
Suicide trolling is murder.
I’ve survived by dumb luck, many don’t.
I remember my yoga person during one session trying to focus me on important things, saying “So imagine you’d die tomorrow.”
me swooning
“Ok, it’s good not to be afraid of death, but it’s also not good to yearn it.”
It’s wisdom for me. Of course the ideation comes closer at times. But then again, it’s ridiculous through how much shit you can go and then have moments where none of it matters, and how things can change. Personally, the worst moments of my life also played a significant part in making me a better person, having a clearer path, seeing life/reality clearer and with better access to come back to it. And from what I can tell this happens to quite a few people, not to minimize the injustice and suffering.
I’m sorry you had to go through that, as nobody deserves it. Ironically, the person that began my harassment fell victim to it himself, and killed himself by stepping in front of a car. Apparently he could dish it out, but not take it when the psychopaths he engaged with turned it on him. “Lay down with dogs, get up with fleas” I guess.
Hah, I don’t like to indulge in Schadenfreude, but I can’t help my reaction.
I’m sorry what you had to go through too, I can imagine as it’s very similar to my experience.
And yeah, every documentary I see of people so heavily involved in this super unethical crime, it backfires in one way or another. They have so many things to worry about, so many things that can bite them in the ass. Things fall apart, and their appetite is never fulfilled. I mean look at the richest people, they don’t seem nearly as happy as some of the poorest I know. It’s a meaningless ego life without real connections or authenticity. Oh so many words can be said. I honestly rather suffer than live their vapid life. :)