I am disabled. It’s fibromyalgia.
For the last god knows how long this has been going on, I wasn’t able to move. If it’s not my chronic pain, then it’s my depression, and when they work together, well, let’s just say that one of the pastimes that has been forced upon me is just fucking existing. Like a void where the only thing you could do is feel pain, and all of the fucking physical needs that your body needs, food, water, going to the toilet, warmth, etc. Woke up today, couldn’t do anything decided to go to sleep. Slept a lot, which is like, hey! I can sleep now! With the help of fucking anti depressants!!! On the other hand, now that I can sleep, I don’t have the only reason that kept me functioning for so long, fucking adrenaline. The only thing that made me able to get up, walk, eat, and shit, was motherfucking adrenaline. So after I woke up, I couldn’t move, was very fucking hungry, somehow managed to find the energy to make breakfast after arguing with my family, then I went back to my room, and I just laid down. Laid down for maybe 4 or 5 hours, then tried to get up and realized that oh no! I can’t fucking move, apparently. And the only fucking reason that I am here, typing this, through the pain, is pure fucking rage and spite. That’s how I got up. I thought of something, it made me very angry, and I jolted out of bed.
And so on the topic of suicide,
I don’t even. I might just kill myself in spite of everyone. EXCEPT THAT WON’T FUCKING MATTER, NOBODY FUCKING CARES IF I LIVED OR DIED. NO ONE. So I have always thought about making it a spectacle by setting myself on fire or something. But I’m way too fucking tired and paralyzed to do any of that. So no, I won’t kill myself. But you bet that I’m considering it
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Fibro fucking sucks. I’m on year 7 of being diagnosed.
And no, time didn’t make anything better.
More like I just grieve the life I used to have/will never have again.
Out of 7 days a week, I have maybe 1/3 of a “good day” now.
God that’s so fucking true. I believe I’m on year 2, and for a long while I didn’t get any help for it. It is only recently that I looked into getting help, mainly medication. The anti depressants did something alright, but the pain is still there, pulsing. Yeah truly 1/3 of a good day, the rest is just a makeshift haphazard duct tape operation of trying not to fully lose it, at least that’s for me.
About grieving the life that you used to have/will never have. I got this at a pretty young age, so I don’t really, I guess I miss being able to run. And sleeping and having most of the pain being gone. Ah yes, the grief, it’s still there…
The horrors persist, but so you do. Continue to exist to spite the universe, if nothing else. <3
Sending hugs my friend. Chronic Pain is absolutely awful and the societal/medical indifference and gaslighting compound already enormous suffering.
I hear you. It sucks. 🫂
Thank you 🫂, even though I’m 9 days late. I still needed this today.
I know this is a late reply but I just found this community.
I’ve had severe chronic pain, along with many other issues, most my life. When I was 8, I got sick, and everything went to shit; so I was just old enough to remember what it was like before.
I had multiple mental breakdowns throughout the years. No drugs help, talking about it didn’t help, nothing helped. Not going to lie it got pretty dark at times, the weight of all that pain and knowing it’ll never end for my entire life. It’s not something humans are designed to endure.
But one day, after 20 straight years of pain, my brain gave me mercy. Suddenly, I lost about 50% sensation in my whole body. Doctors said it’s like a “noise gate” my nervous system put in after so long.
It has it’s pros and cons of course. I burn myself a lot, get heat stress often, don’t notice injuries, and get hypothermia a lot. But honestly it probably saved my life. The pain went from a 6/10 constant to a 3/10. I see it as a blessing.
I think the signals are still “there” in the background. I notice tension in my body from my parts reacting physiologically to the nerves, but they don’t affect me as much anymore. It still sucks but it’s survivable.
