Honestly I let spite take over when I get like that. There’s too many people on my list of obituaries I need to see before I die. And I’m not going to let a world that doesn’t want me dictate what I do with my life. I don’t have hope that I can fully reclaim the life I deserved to live. I don’t have hope that I will fully recover from the traumas I’ve faced, or that some sort of justice will befall the ones who have wronged me or stolen parts of me.

But I do have hope that by still persisting, even if fueled by nothing other than spite, maybe my life can be the inspiration for another trans person to also persist. Maybe even saving them from some of the struggles I’ve encountered.

And if I can ruin some transphobes day just by existing, well that’s just a bonus.

It is so interesting to me the people who built normal lives with this still in the back of their minds, I just totally shut down but I suppose there are different types of people and everyone’s story is different. :)

I never really had a great frame of reference for what transitioning was or what it entailed and didn’t have a vocabulary to really describe how I was feeling. The only thing I really know of it was some overly fetishized view of it from my shitty transphobic sibling who showed me porn of trans women when I was like 5. So I mostly just resigned myself to living out the rest of my life according to the expectations I felt I had to abide by. I’ve luckily always been incredibly introspective though so I never really let that sense of unease go and became more aware of its roots as I gained more understanding of transitioning.

Yes OMG, I already have some anxiety and now I feel like I have this FOMO too since I spent so much time rotting, but I am so bad at making decisions. I still don’t know what to do with my life haha.

Yeah this has been really hard for me to grapple with recently. I mostly have my main dysphorias over my physical being in a…manageable…state. Most of the time I feel really cute and get gendered correctly, or at least not misgendered as much. But dysphorias and grief regarding experiences I’ll never have, or social cues I don’t understand have gotten much louder. Anytime I put my hair in a ponytail and it takes me longer than I want because I haven’t developed the muscle memory from decades of having to deal with long hair are more frustrating. Or feeling like I’m starting from scratch learning things that my cis-girlfriends have known since they were little. Or not being able to commiserate on how shitty women are treated because my previous male privelage shielded me from that. I think this grief and feeling a longing to make up for lost time is an underrepresented aspect of transitioning at this stage of life. But overall I am so so so so grateful that I have given myself the gift of the rest of my life. There is no making up for lost time but rather making the best of what’s left to come.

Hey girl, and welcome! I just came across your post (thanks for sharing!) and read through it. A lot of your experiences with looking back and thinking that the signs should have been so obvious deeply resonates with me. I’m in the later half of my 30’s and have immense feelings of grief of not having found out sooner. I haven’t had a bad life. I certainly haven’t had to overcome the same obstacles you’ve had to which, by the way, is super commendable! I have an amazing wife and I’ve carved out a comfortable life with an enjoyable job that keeps the bills mostly paid and a super supportive friend group. But it never felt like I was actively making those decisions. Like someone else was steering the boat and I was left bracing for the waves. I had moments of happiness, but I realized that I had a baseline sense of unease at every waking moment. It wasn’t until I started opening that Pandora’s box of gender awareness that everything started making sense and hindsight came into clearer focus. Now I feel like I’m in a rush to scrape together whatever time I have left to finally live the life that I want and deserve.

I hope you aren’t discouraged from continuing to post and sharing your experiences. I am, admittedly, mostly a lurker. I want to get better about being more active on here but I think trans folks in general are a little more guarded from over-sharing online. But I will say that seeing posts like this and reading about the experiences of other people has immensely helped me process my own journey. So even if you don’t get the engagement you would like, I hope you take some solace from the fact that you are still making an impact and your life and perspective matter.

To answer your question, I don’t think anyone would get uncomfortable just because you comment. From what I’ve gathered, the folks who are more active on the trans-specific instances are very good about gently reframing comments and posts which may have inadvertently been worded poorly.

Hope to see more :)

Thank you for sharing!

Had a man go out of his way to open a door for me as I left a store today and not like a he was already walking in as I was walking out kind of thing. He was sitting at a table nearby and got up and opened the door for me. That’s the first time that’s happened and made me realize that I’m definitely unprepared to be getting attention from men lol

But I just love when people are nice. I remember every time early in my transition when someone gendered me correctly or just went the extra step to let me know they were cool and I was safe and seen.

Thanks, girl!!!

Uhmmm…could you send me that subway meme?

All I got was a prolonged period and I wanted to fight everyone around me :'(

Heads up that the National Review is a conservative publication and therefore is very misrepresentative and rehashes conservative talking points and nomenclature regarding gender and identity. May be best to find alternate sources and to also not give them web traffic and ad money.

Pretty sure one says “Titties Enjoyer”