Wait until you hear the story of the woman with the monsoon poon. She’ll chew your knob right off.

My dad’s grade 4 teacher used to clobber him real good with a Bible whenever he did normal kid stuff, the Bible can definitely make you cry.

My son’s bus driver named Mohammed McGillicuddy always talks about all the fun he had in his 20s and 30s trapping small elephants in his yard and tagging them like common train cars. He moved to the city in his 40s and he’s still having a blast but now his thing is growing Kentucky onions for his daughters wedding in 6 years.

Regardless, he sure knows how to lick that ice cream

The driver of this van is an old German guy by the name of Rudolph, although it’s not an ice cream van he used to go Häagen Dazs on my asshole every 2-3 days last summer.

Exactly 4h12m each time. I bring timers everywhere I go on account of my neurology.

My favorite use for water is those 3 times I went to a bondage club in Japanese occupied Uruguay in 1983 and they tied my boner up and used a water flosser as a sounding rod on me for 4 hours and 12 minutes.

I think I’m too old to understand this

Cowabunga gozaimasu

My barber named Greg told me he started micro dosing Viagra 3x a day so that he is always risen. I told him that’s probably not good for his heart but he says having a constant boner gives him the self confidence to be a professional beatboxer.

They aren’t like killer zombies though, literally just people with jenkem balls and smegma tits. You wouldn’t be able to tell them apart from other people unless you had sex with them.

If you play the triangle in the Bermuda triangle everyone who’s ever died there comes back to life, but with a catch. All the men have Jenkem filled balls and all the women have smegma filled tits. That’s why no one has ever done it, no one wants hundreds of disgusting abominations risen from the dead.

There’s one exception to this though, a weird Christian cult in the 1970s believe that when Jesus resurrected and escaped from his tomb he actually walked on water all the way to the Bermuda triangle where he died for realsies. The cult members all made a pilgrimage there to play the triangle to resurrect him again but they all died.

Fun fact: Jackie Chan’s parents named him that because his dad ran a porn website similar to 4chan called Jacky Chan in the 1950s before anyone even knew the Internet was possible. Truly a family ahead of the times. It’s a shame he went on to be a successful movie star.

I’m mental for mental health

Ah shit how did I miss that

My aunt’s dentist used to do this every February when he’d send out Valentines to all his clients. He said the acidity from the salsa helped negate the sugar from the Oreos so you could eat them instead of brushing your teeth.

Everyone stopped taking his advice when he started gifting them all didgeridoos full of piss though. It’s a shame but what can you do.

Cucked by an angel season 3 is wild

It’s real, I’ve met all of Obama’s dads and they really do call him the cigarette crab. I don’t think he’s ever been to Japan and I don’t understand why the owner called him Mr President though because he’s never been president.

Bide?! Damn it I’ve just been on a bidet this whole time.

My neighbor’s coworkers cousin once brought me a bowl of soup while I was at the beach with my family on a really windy day. By the time he handed me the bowl of soup it was nothing but a bowl of sand. I ate it anyway out of politeness but I ended up falling asleep after and woke up in ancient Egypt. I’m still stuck here and my family is still at the beach. I’m never eating a bowl of sand again.