I tried making a Reddit account and it asked me to build karma before I could ask on any of the relevant subs so I’m posting here.
I can personally say that if anything goes up there, it hurts, and not in a good way. It does not feel pleasurable at all. It feels kind of like placing a finger on an open sore and pushing down.
Also, if you’re being examined, they tell you to take deep breaths, as if they know that anything going up is going to be painful. If sex is supposed to be pleasurable and enjoyable, why would doctors tell you to brace for impact, so to speak?
Lastly, women often scream during sex. It’s often said they’re screaming out of pleasure and not pain. But there are a lot of things I find extremely pleasurable, but I don’t scream while I do them.
Is it just one of those things that is painful but we’re conditioned into believing the pain is actually pleasure and I must have inconsistent pain tolerance and I am making a big deal out of this?
I made a snarky comment but after reading the body I realize you’re a female OP.
Go see a doctor. Yes women do enjoy sex and if it’s painful or uncomfortable you might need to get something checked out.
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Several reasons. One, they’re sticking a metal thing in there, and that can be painful, especially if they don’t use enough lube. I remind them to use a lot. :) Two, you may be having a lot of anxiety and tightening up all your muscles (I know I do!) so that makes it harder for them to insert the thing–hence, they tell you to take breaths and try to relax. Also, I always try to go to a woman gynecologist. I’m more comfortable with someone who knows what it’s like and they’re usually much nicer, so that helps.
The expectation of pain is a huge factor for my partner, she has to be TOTALLY RELAXED to enjoy anything.
And this developed after us being together for like 10 years. We had super fun, impromptu sex whenever, and then that started to go away.
Point is, expectations of pain can make sex painful. So OP has a hill to climb to get to easy, comfortable sex.
I am appalled that no one has brought this up so far- but it hurts because they are touching the cervix, which generally doesn’t get touched, and can be very painful to hit. The speculum they are inserting is designed to slightly open the cervix for the examination.
OP, there are many sizes of vagina. You may have one that’s on the smaller side, with a low pelvic floor. My partner is the same way, and penetration can be painful for them. We have switched to using very small toys or focusing on clitoral stimulation to get them off instead of relying on penetration.
If your doctor clears you, you may just have a low pelvic floor, and may not like penetrative sex. Which is fine! It’s just good to know about yourself.
Don’t be appalled. I doubt many people know about this stuff as much as you do. I’m more appalled by the lack of women here confirming that women enjoy sex. But I assume that’s because most women are currently having sex instead of talking to nerds on the Internet.
Medicine traditionally does not consider the pain of women or children to be worthy of consideration. They only started using anesthesia on infants in the 1980s, as doctors had convinced themselves that infants couldn’t feel pain, for some reason.
Hence the low rate of vaginismus education. Poor OP…
There are two parts to this. For starters, sex without arousal is also painful. During arousal, you secrete lubricants, the vaginal cavity expands as blood flows to it, and your body dampens pain reception across the entire body. Most people are not aroused by medical examinations and given your examples for experiences I’d say you’re definitely not getting hot and bothered by it. So the difference is eating a candy that you’re excited for compared to eating plain bread with a dry mouth.
Second is that your doc may be aware of your issue and forewarning you so you’re prepared. Given the way you talk about it, I’d imagine you’re probably on the younger side. If you’re getting your first few exams, or have been direct about your experiences so far then it’s likely they’re playing it safe for your comfort.
Lastly, talk to your Doctor about this issue, here are some examples so you know the verbage. I’m a guy but I do have second hand experience. I long distanced a gal who had surgery for microperforate hymen before we met and was incredibly scared of penetration in any way. It didn’t work out for other reasons, but we had a lot of fun building her confidence and other interests. The mother of my child had a partial transverse vaginal septum, it led to a sharp and buring pain at the entrance during penetration outside of a specific angle. This was “solved” during child birth when the doc had to snip her to allow the baby to come out. After getting stitched back correctly (no husband stitches here) she ended up having quite the sexual awakening. Lastly, my now spouse had a rotated womb which lead to abdominal pain during arousal as it pinched the womb. This was remedied.by a full hysterectomy for unrelated purposes.
Point being, there’s a lot of variables in the area and it would do good to read up on some of the issues, do some self exploration to get a good handle on what your symptoms are, and them talk to your Doctor about it.
I would imagine if you visit their office because of pain, a part of their reason and response to you is to brace for the discomfort that you’re there for.
Full disclosure: am a guy.
Holding your breath allows you to tense up and clench more than you can while breathing. Taking a deep breath eliminates some “tensing” muscles from the equation. Still, with some effort (or anxiety, probably) you can still clench up while breathing.
Because you’re not usually sexually aroused at the doctor’s office.
Sex is very different from physical examination at a doctor’s office. A doctor may need to do things that you wouldn’t do for pleasure but are still important for checking on your health. Some of the things they may need to do may be uncomfortable/painful for some people with vaginas. It’s also a psychological thing: pleasure during sex/masturbation has a fairly significant psychological component. It’s rarely the case that anyone automatically enjoys any interaction with their genitals (male or female genitals, actually). It’s very context dependent and dependent on one’s frame of mind. Most people are not going into doctor’s appointments with any desire or expectation for pleasure, so the experience is just very different from the get go.
Another possible reason for asking you to take a deep breath is that deep breathing can relax muscles and the mind, which can be helpful during an examination.
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There are conditions where sex is painful that exist for both genders. Vaginismus is maybe 6% for women and phimosis is maybe 3% for men. Numbers on these things are tough to get as many people suffer them quietly thinking they are normal.
If you or your partner experience issues it is important to know you are not alone and you have choices. That said some folks also just do not enjoy sex. Many certainly do, regardless of gender or physicallity.
If you are having issues and you don’t want to, I would advise talking with someone you trust and also seeing a doctor. It is good to get a few viewpoints on issues like this as sometimes they can be dismissed.
This definitely sounds like vaginismus from the body of the post and from the comments.
What helped my spouse was dialators. We went to an adult store for ours so we could talk with a clerk about what we got, but Amazon and a million other places have them as well. Kits come with various sizes, and you’ll start small and work your way up. That and weed for relaxation.
Also, hollow (i.e. with no rigid core, just a penis shaped rubber balloon) inflatable dildos work really well for that.
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I probably have vaginismus and my experience with penetration is pretty similar to yours.
Cis women do enjoy and even seek out vaginal penetrative sex, I eventually realized. Part of how I figured out I was different was reading a thread of all the weird stuff women inserted while masturbating. I was suddenly like: “Oh! They must really want something up there! Look at the stupid, dangerous stuff they’re doing to experience that!”
There are things you can do medically if you genuinely want that kind of sex, but it’s useful to remember that sex isn’t just penetration. You literally never have to be penetrated to have enjoyable sex. It can be tough to find a partner, since PIV is the end goal of sex for lots of people (as is their perogative), but the world is also full of other types of people.
As for vocalization, the “oh fuck” (doc, it’s like sandpaper ripping me in half) and “oh fuck” (I’m having an overwhelming but positive physical sensation) are pretty different kinds of yells, and generally sound pretty different. Like people don’t cry just out of sadness, you know?
Op, look into this. Vaginismus defines your symptoms. I was with a woman who had it. It affects like 5% of women, and it makes (penetrative) sex feel painful and unpleasant.
We found other ways to be intimate. Id go down on her for hours. We’d masturbate together and bring toys. We even went to sex clubs and explored other ways to get off.
To add to this, vaginismus can be as much phycological as it is medical. Having bad/painful experiences with piv sex can cause a ‘feedback loop’ making things worse. There’s also some medication that can interfere with ‘wetness’, for a lack of a better word. Lube is a godsend and can help alleviate initial pain allowing you to relax, and may be enough to start building up positive mental associations with penetrative sex. But most of all, do seek medical advice, it’s not supposed to hurt.
Also, you can ask for a smaller speculum when going for a pap smear, - I didn’t know that and had a horrid experience that stopped me going for my next one for nearly a decade. (I’m better at self advocating these days)
It is not supposed to be painful. If it is, then talk to a health professional.
Do not force yourself to have sex if it is painful! That might give you an aversion to it
If you are not old enough to do that without parents, then see if there is a school nurse, or other services for young people.
FYI: I am a man, but I know that women are supposed to enjoy sex.
From the last time this was asked: seek professional medical advise. It should not be painful. There are non-medical reasons it might be less than amazing, but it should not be painful.
You should definitely see a doctor about this because it does sound like a problem.
But,
It’s also possible you just don’t like sex. You might be on the asexual spectrum. Your vagina might be reacting like this because you just don’t want to fuck. Or maybe you’ll fix the medical issue, be able to fuck, and then decide you don’t like it. Nobody can know if that’s gonna happen but you.
Talk to the doctor, figure out what the problem is. But please don’t feel pressured to enjoy sex. If that ain’t you, well it doesn’t have to be. Besides, there’s lots of ways to have a fun naughty time other than penetration.
Your vagina might be reacting like this because you just don’t want to fuck
Yes, arousal does seem to reduce pain, this is just a somewhat insensitive way to put it. Finally someone mentioned asexuality, as opposed to lesbianism, which definitely wouldn’t stop OP from enjoying sex.
Just a heads up to OP: it’s none of our business what arouses you unless you want to discuss it, the “you’re gay” comments are very inappropriate and should be reported. I’m not asking or making conjectures about your sexuality but be aware that lust and pleasure from sex is a normal sensation in most people regardless of gender. Willingness to participate in sex (or masturbation) and the resulting sensation is dependent on the gender of your (imaginary) partner, technique etc. and there are safe ways to experiment. Bodily responses can often be adjusted with therapy: if you’re not satisfied, ask a doctor; for example, feeling overwhelming pain is not healthy and you should stop and look for different techniques or exercise to reduce the adverse reaction.
For me, it hurts at first, but my body builds up lubrication after insertion. He goes gentle and slow for a bit until it feels good for me. I would characterize my pleasure from sex as kind of comparable to my pleasure from eating. In general I love sex. Not every meal is a Michelin star. Sometimes it is, just absolutely amazing and fulfills my every need. Sometimes it’s just reliable and hits the spot real quick, like a peanut butter sandwich. Rarely, something is a bit off, and it’s not that great.
But it’s not normal for me to suffer. I stops hurting, it feels good, and I want it.
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That doesn’t happen. Like, it has never hurt that much. You’re going to need to seek treatment for vaginismus.
You’re not “making a big deal” — what’s happening to you is real — is also real that this doesn’t happen to everyone. What you’re feeling is not universal.
Have you tried using a set of medical dilators?
You need your partner to do more foreplay.
First a lot of cunnilingus until you’re dripping wet. Then one finger until you beg for a second. Then as many fingers until the thickness of the penis. Finally, even if it takes am hour, the penis.
Yes. Women do enjoy sex and you should try to make sure you do to. It’s not uncommon for women to not enjoy sex right away for a number of reasons. First something like 75% of women can’t come from penetration alone so you need to get more from yourself or your partner. Second some women don’t reach their sexual peak to around 30 because they need to really understand themselves and unlearn the myths about sex not being pleasurable. So what do you need to do?
First, I would recommend reading / listening to the best / longest running sex and relationship podcast by Dan Savage. It’s a great way to both get comfortable about hearing / thinking about sex is a positive way as well as learn about consent, advocating for pleasure as well as ways to communicate this. It’s kink and sex positive so you might hear about things that are scary or off-putting that some people like around sex but that’s good learning. You might even hear about things you didn’t know you were interested in.
Second you need to become the expert on your own body and pleasure. Your partner shouldn’t have to read your mind because they are focused on their own pleasure and might be as inexperienced as you are. So you need to masterbate and see what you like. Touch everywhere and everything you see what you enjoy. See what thoughts turn you on. If porn seems to give you the ick try female made porn from Erika Lust or some audio erotica from Dipsea. Lots of women and men have problem with mainstream porn point of view and might enjoy a different take on it. Also there are numerous smutty books out that you might enjoy. If you need some references OMGYes has real scientific information about what women do for pleasure that is supposed to be amazing. Urban Tantra has a chapter on erotic massage for Vulvas (it also has one Penises) with step by step instructions and pictures. You might not enjoy the spiritual / chakra / woo woo aspect but the rest is applicable.
You are doing great and have fun.
Edit: I can’t believe I did a whole post about female pleasure and forgot Sex Toys. You might need a vibrator another clitoris stimulation toy. oh joy sex toy has tons of reviews as well as other resources on sex toys. If you want to go in person go to Smitten Kitten or Babeland if they are in your city. If not look to see if any sex toy shops have the words feminist, LGBTQIA+ friendly or gender inclusive near you.
Endometriosis. PCOS. Look them both up and please, please, please go see a doctor.
Ex had endo, it’s a fucking nightmare.
We heavily modified our sex lives to adjust to it, a lot more foreplay and a lot less penetration.
In case it wasn’t mentioned already, consider looking into pelvic physical therapy. They specialize in this area and treat physical problems that cause pain during sexual activity, bodily functions, etc. I see one and it has helped me a lot!
My wife has had an issue with pain during penetration that turned out to be caused by the depo birth control shot. It’s a rare side effect that no one told her about.
Similar to other comments, that kinda sounds like vaginismus from what I’ve read of it. Obviously people have different preferences, but it’s not supposed to be painful, assuming you’re well-lubricated via foreplay or otherwise. It should be plenty wet inside and not dry. Things should slide right in and not be difficult to insert (important note: I do not have a vagina, this is just based on my sexual experience).
Plenty of people with vaginas don’t particularly enjoy penetration for one reason or another (and plenty do), but actual physical pain is another matter, I think.
I’ll add an asterisk to your statements. As a woman, things don’t generally slide right in (ymmv), and usually there’s still a little bit of intentionality to get to the good parts. Of course, something with tiny girth might slide in, but generally, phallic-type objects can still take a little work.
Yeah that’s fair, I guess maybe it depends on your definition of “slide right in”. I meant it as “there shouldn’t be any signficiant resistance to insertion”, which was qualified by needing lubrication/arousal for that to be the case. And I guess it should be further qualified that the thing being inserted should be lubricated as well.
But that being said, I am not a woman, so what I’m saying should certainly be taken with a grain of salt.
Also, if you’re being examined, they tell you to take deep breaths, as if they know that anything going up is going to be painful
Most people would need a mood to be set to enjoy sex or to be ready to receive something. Think this applies for women and for men who partake in anal sex.
By that I mean they need to get turned on to feel like having intercourse, because yeah, intercourse is strenuous and requires your body to be in a specific mode. For a penis inserter, getting turned on is a much simpler affair and can happen in a matter of about 1 second.
Lastly, women often scream during sex.
I don’t know if they do to be honest. A lot of pornstars do, hahaha - they’re paid to ham it up and overall they give an unrealistic view of how sex works. (Once upon a time the main watchers of porn would be people who hadn’t had it yet. Possibly still the case)
Uhh despite my initial dismissal, i’ll suggest this: some people might do it because sex can be akin to tickling, where your nervous system gives you mixed messages or gets overloaded. And, some women exist who grossly exaggerate their “noises” during sex, believing it makes it more fun or gives an ego boost to the husband. It probably can make it more fun for both parties, but the authentic noises - no matter how quiet they are compared to screams - are great as well.
Can’t really speak for the experience of having a vagina but if it hurts so much that you don’t ever feel like having sex, and haven’t self stimulated in any way, talk to a doctor about it?
To tag on a relevant other point, I’ll mention that many people find the stimulation of the outside of the vagina and inside walls to be the pleasurable part rather than the “poking” of the back aka top of the vagina. If it’s just the back of your vagina, e.g the cervix, that hurts to be poked, that is normal. Sexual stimulation makes the vagina expand in size, accommodating the insertion of a penis; sex1 should be gently inserted unless you’ve requested otherwise, being one of the lesser number of receivers who enjoy rough sex - it’s courtesy. It may be the case that your vagina is particularly short and hence you’ve already noticed the discomfort of insertions.
1 also an archaic term for a penis lol, used as such here.
Yes. I am a woman and really enjoy sex. Less so when I was younger but it is not supposed to hurt, no. Two questions:
What happens when you put in a tampon?
Are you really very aroused before trying penetration?
ETA - people are recommending lube but lube does not substitute for arousal. Lube only helps slip - arousal makes space, adds slip, and relaxes the opening of the vagina some, so that there is room for a penis (or fingers or whatever). Sex is amazing but you need to be turned on to enjoy it.
Your problem is defining “sex” as “being penetrated”. I am a woman, and do not enjoy being penetrated, and still enjoy sex. I’ve only put menstrual cups and a speculum up there before but I found it painful and difficult, like trying to push the cup up against a brick wall. I know women who have this problem and want to receive penetrative sex do vaginal dilation, but I’m not interested in that, so I don’t bother.
If you like the idea of being penetrated, you might want to try seeing a gynaecologist about vaginismus. But this isn’t inherently a problem if you don’t actually want to use your vagina during sex. You might prefer giving over receiving, or you might only want clitoral stimulation.
Gay people (including us lesbians) have the concept of being a top (wanting to give penetrative sex) or a bottom (wanting to receive penetrative sex). I think it would improve straight people’s sex lives to have the same thing tbh. I think some straight women probably are tops and some straight men probably are bottoms even though they’re interested in the opposite sex. If you like the idea of fucking a man with a strap-on over getting penetrated yourself, give it a go :) And if you just don’t like the idea of sex at all, you’re under no obligation to have it.
That’s a great response! I am male but don’t particularly like penetrative sex either. I much prefer to perform cunnilingus.
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