Hi
I’m struggling for years already, being unable to hold a job or function in daily life without job.
It seems like I’m constantly in shutdown, and I can’t even communicate my stress and desperation to a therapist because when I’m stressed, I stop expressing anything.
I also seem to forget anything that’s even slightly emotionally charged. So even when I can express my emotion, 10 minutes after that conversation I have no clue anymore what I talked about.
Underlying all this seems to be some kind of fear of feeling my emotions. Anytime I feel something, I quickly notice that the feeling/thoughts disappear and I just feel numb and a headache or stomachache.
Even when I’m by myself, I can’t seem to express any feelings, as If i’m trying to hide for myself.
And it seems like nobody knows how to deal with this. I’ve been to a few therapists and it all ends up the same. At the beginning i’m hopeful, but then after a few sessions I realise i’m getting more and more into a shutdown and express myself less and less until I eventually stop going.
Just searching for therapy seems pointless, because I don’t have money left and nobody seems to understand my difficulties.
I think in my case it might be related to emotional neglect? But it’s difficult to figure that out, because it’s difficult to remember the things that didn’t happen, obviously.
And I don’t really know that much about my parents, rarely talked to them, even though I lived with them for 30 years.