I tried to speak out about our abuse from my S.father multiple times before I had solid evidence. I went to my “family” first. Each time I was told, “your father does so much for you, I don’t understand why you’re doing this to him”. I don’t think they understood, or cared, how bad the covert abuse was.
When I had hard evidence, I didn’t go to family, I told the school counselor. When investigated later that day, luckily, my step father broke down and told the cops everything, he admitted what I was saying was true, and arrested him. This family I had, became my first foster home. I was told I was brave for weeks. It was condescendingly so. At the time, I didn’t understand why them calling me brave felt so wrong, and could only explain it to myself that it didn’t feel like bravery, just duty to keep my younger siblings safe. Years later, I realized its the same feeling of for example (which I also have personal expierence with) when a larger girl wears a short or revealing outfit, and she’s called brave. It’s condescending as hell. It’s a veiled threat almost like, “you shouldn’t have done this” People don’t like their family skeletons aired out, so they call you brave for doing so.
I’m not brave because you (they) are a coward.
Context matters heavily, maybe someone could mean it in a nice way. I don’t remember the counselor calling me brave as she supported me through the tears that day, but she did tell me I was strong.
That’s it. It’s a compliment the same way “bless your heart” is. It can be meant well but it usually reads as “well that was brave of you”, that you deviated from the norm.
So, huh, it’s then patronising basically, a sort of “brave that you did what we think you shouldn’t have done”… interesting. I always thought it was meant at face value but now that you explained, I understand there’s a further meaning behind it.
I tried to speak out about our abuse from my S.father multiple times before I had solid evidence. I went to my “family” first. Each time I was told, “your father does so much for you, I don’t understand why you’re doing this to him”. I don’t think they understood, or cared, how bad the covert abuse was.
When I had hard evidence, I didn’t go to family, I told the school counselor. When investigated later that day, luckily, my step father broke down and told the cops everything, he admitted what I was saying was true, and arrested him. This family I had, became my first foster home. I was told I was brave for weeks. It was condescendingly so. At the time, I didn’t understand why them calling me brave felt so wrong, and could only explain it to myself that it didn’t feel like bravery, just duty to keep my younger siblings safe. Years later, I realized its the same feeling of for example (which I also have personal expierence with) when a larger girl wears a short or revealing outfit, and she’s called brave. It’s condescending as hell. It’s a veiled threat almost like, “you shouldn’t have done this” People don’t like their family skeletons aired out, so they call you brave for doing so.
I’m not brave because you (they) are a coward.
Context matters heavily, maybe someone could mean it in a nice way. I don’t remember the counselor calling me brave as she supported me through the tears that day, but she did tell me I was strong.
That’s it. It’s a compliment the same way “bless your heart” is. It can be meant well but it usually reads as “well that was brave of you”, that you deviated from the norm.
Thank you for your explanation :)
So, huh, it’s then patronising basically, a sort of “brave that you did what we think you shouldn’t have done”… interesting. I always thought it was meant at face value but now that you explained, I understand there’s a further meaning behind it.